In many intimate relationships, there is a phase where one partner feels a growing sense of disconnection. It often begins with the thought: “I can’t reach you.” This experience can lead to increased effort—trying to communicate more clearly, offering more understanding, extending more patience, and investing more emotional energy in the relationship.
At first glance, this response appears constructive. It reflects care, commitment, and a genuine desire to maintain connection. However, over time, a subtle shift can occur. Despite increased effort, the sense of disconnection remains unchanged.
At that point, a more difficult realisation may emerge: it is not a matter of trying harder—the other person may simply not be emotionally reachable.
The Hidden Cost of Over-Functioning in Relationships
When connection feels uncertain, many individuals respond by intensifying their efforts. They become more attentive, more accommodating, and more focused on maintaining relational harmony. While these behaviours are often rooted in empathy and relational intelligence, they can come at a cost.
The focus gradually shifts away from one’s own internal experience. Questions such as “What do I feel?” or “What do I need?” are replaced by “What else can I do to make this work?”
Over time, this dynamic can lead to a loss of inner stability and self-connection. Compassion becomes externally directed, while self-compassion diminishes.
A NARM Perspective: Adaptation Over Event
The NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM) offers a useful framework for understanding this pattern. One of its central principles is that long-term relational difficulties are shaped less by what happened in early life and more by the adaptations developed in response to those experiences.
Children are inherently self-referential; they experience events as personal. When faced with misattunement, neglect, or inconsistency, they are unlikely to attribute these experiences to external limitations. Instead, they internalise them as personal shortcomings.
To preserve connection with caregivers, children develop adaptive strategies—often becoming more attuned to others, more accommodating, or more effortful in maintaining relationships. These strategies are intelligent and necessary at the time.
However, when carried into adulthood, they can distort both self-perception and relational dynamics.
The Pattern of “Trying Harder”
One common adaptation is the belief that connection can be secured through increased effort. This may manifest as over-functioning in relationships—taking responsibility for emotional repair, sustaining communication, or compensating for a partner’s lack of availability.
While this approach can temporarily stabilise a relationship, it is not sustainable. Healthy connection requires mutual engagement. It cannot be created unilaterally.
Recognising this distinction is critical. The issue is not the willingness to care or invest—it is the assumption that connection depends on one person’s effort.
Reclaiming Self-Connection
NARM emphasises that these patterns are not inherent traits but learned adaptations. As such, they can be observed, understood, and gradually disentangled from one’s sense of self.
This process involves redirecting attention inward and restoring balance between compassion for others and compassion for oneself. It also requires acknowledging relational reality: not all partners are equally available or capable of emotional engagement.
Accepting this is not a failure of effort or intention. Rather, it reflects a clearer understanding of relational boundaries and personal needs.
From Effort to Clarity
The shift from “I can’t reach you” to “they are not reachable” represents an important turning point. It moves the focus away from self-adjustment and toward accurate perception.
This clarity allows individuals to step out of cycles of over-effort and start supporting their own well-being. Instead of attempting to overcome relational barriers or walls alone, the emphasis shifts to presence and mutual emotional availability as essential components of connection.
Sustainable relationships are built on reciprocity.
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